Spin the Bottle – March Smut (2014)

Kōji Yakusho and Fukumi Kuroda in Tampopo, directed by Juzo Itami (1985). Credit: Toho.

At Spin the Bottle tonight, I will read my third ever smut piece. I’m calling it “Foodie Sex.”

Performing at Spin the Bottle. Photos by Laura Johnston.

I was recently dumped. Or something. It’s difficult to discern what happened exactly, since it all happened over text message, but one of my OkCupid dates self-imploded quicker than I thought possible. And about two weeks into our “relationship,” I realized we had never  truly eaten together. In the short time that I knew this person, we were physically intimate three times and I consumed this short list of food in his presence:

• one-quarter of an apple
• three slices of cheese
• probably about four crackers
• a chocolate-covered salted caramel infused with cannabis
• two hunks out of a wedge of brie
• three or four spreadings of an olive tapenade
• a few more crackers
• a bite of a chocolate chip cookie
• a hunk of dark chocolate with almonds

That was over the span of three “dates.” The more I thought about how he and I interacted, the more I realized how precious and sacred food is in a relationship.

For a couple of weeks while I was seeing this person, I was dating someone else too. The second guy and I ate frequently together: from food trucks, late night gourmet food at cocktail bars, hungover brunch where I was wiping up my yolks with  toast, at a fusion restaurant with copious amounts of beer and even though he and I were barely intimate, I still feel like I knew him better.

Eating alone is considered unhealthy for longevity, and my living situation often leaves me sitting in front of my iPad with a plate on my lap, staring blankly ahead of me. So I crave eating meals with others, I yearn for conversation about ingredients and cooking methods, and I want to share those intimate moments with everyone I meet. It makes sense that I would especially desire to share the intimacy of eating with the person I take on as my lover.

So this smut story is about food and sex and intimacy. And it includes a Seinfeld reference. Win!

Categorized in: Live Performance